Like many parents, my partner and I agonized over the decision of whether or not our daughters should return to school in person this fall. New Jersey has the advantage of beginning the school year after Labor Day, so we’ve watched as state after state, family after family, has made the difficult choice before us. Many districts opted for all virtual instruction, but for others, like ours, parents have the option to choose between virtual or in-person learning.
We were given less than a week to commit to a single learning model for the first marking period. I thought the decision of whether or not to redshirt my youngest would be the toughest academic choice I’d make on behalf of my kids. Obviously, I was wrong.
Like so much about 2020, everything pales in comparison. The stakes are gravely high. No one knows what will happen next week or next month. We have zero experience to guide us. We’re all relying on gut instinct and emotion and conflicting “expert” advice.
If we send the kids to school, what happens if they get sick? If we keep them home, will they fall behind their peers both academically and socially?
I started reading through social media threads, hoping to learn what other parents in our district were doing. I was appalled by what I found. As a parenting blogger, I’ve seen my share of online banter and trolls. Hate is sadly common in the faceless space of social media, but it’s surprising to witness such open vitriol between neighbors. Everything from face masks to snack time had a moment in the fray. The argument continued with hours of impassioned public comments following two virtual school board meetings. In better times, most of us would discipline our kids for using such hurtful words.
I get this is an important and sensitive issue. For some, it’s a matter of life and death. The stakes can’t get any higher. Yet, there are valid concerns on both sides of the debate. Some families are desperate for child care. Still others had children who hated online learning and are becoming despondent. Some families include individuals at high risk for severe complications with COVID. Every family has different needs. Every option sucks. The unfortunate truth: The options don’t suck the same for every family.
Eventually, I stopped reading my neighbor’s opinions because it didn’t matter what other families did. We had to choose the option that worked best for our family.
Though it was an unpopular choice, we opted for the all-virtual option. However, I don’t judge the families sending their kids to school in person.
Because I work from home with a flexible schedule, childcare was not an issue for our family. I know this makes me incredibly privileged, which is one of the reasons why I would never judge another family for their choices. My kids happen to do well with e-learning. We’re also a healthcare family, meaning our exposure risk is already high, and, here’s the kicker, if anyone in our household tests positive, we have shut down our entire business. In many ways, we’re the inverse of most working families: We could lose our source of income if our kids go to school. Given all that, the kids are staying home, at least for the first marking period.
I’m worried we’ll look like extras from Deliverance when this is over, minus the bangos, but for our family, that was the risk we were willing to take. For others, the risk comes with sending their kids in person. And that’s ok.
No one wants to make “the wrong” decision, but like so many parenting quandaries, what works best for one family doesn’t work for another. We’re all just doing the best we can. If you have the choice of how your children return to school, try not to judge the decisions of others. We have enough to worry about without feuding amongst ourselves. Instead, let this be an example of how we can support others whose decisions differ from ours.
I’m certain our kids are more likely to remember how we treated one another than whether they learned the area of a triangle while sitting at desk beside their peers or on their couch at home. Because when this is over, and the masks come off, we have to be able to look each other in the face at every PTA event, school assembly, and drop off.
Kathryn Hively
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